"Sanha..."
Sanha stared down at the boy in front of him, just a year older, but so much more mature for his age, and shrugged. It wasn't like he could say the truth, which he kinda did; it was itchy but not because it physically was.
See AlsoTwo 'Bisayarohas' still in denial, share how Moonbin, Astro once saved their lives.THE UNIVERSE IS OURS • 2ND ASTRO ONESHOT COLLECTION - lucky spin • sanhyuk"Can I go hyung? I need to wash up the blood." He didn't bother to wait for a reply before he left for the bathroom.
That was a close one.
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Sanha had decided he needed to be more careful from then on, though he had always been careful but he guessed he wasn't being careful enough as of late. Ever since last week's fiasco, Rocky had taken a point of appearing out of nowhere, catching him off guard at the right (read: bad) times. The older had made an effort to always be by Sanha's side. Sanha wasn't used to this attentiveness, making it harder for him to conceal and to try hard to pretend he was normal. However, it did help, a little bit, knowing Rocky was there but he knew it was only temporary. The normalcy, the small happiness. And Sanha was right, it was always full circle and he was back in that small corner.
It was a fansign event and they were all being their usual selves. Sanha didn't have to think much about being compared to somebody, all he had to do was focus on their fans, sign their albums, and wave them goodbye. That's what he thought until they had to do some small Q&A and suggestions session after signing. It started off harmless, people asking for some "TMI" moments and as usual, MJ led the segment - rendering everyone into a fit of giggles. But then the fans wanted a competition on who can be the cutest, between him and Bin. His head swirled with unwanted thoughts, voices whispering some choice words. Then he heard as the screams got louder for when Moon Bin did his aegyo . Sanha felt his heart drop as he finished with MJ jokingly claimed that Bin was the new captain now, and the maknae had now been bumped at the bottom of the list. All he could do was to smile and laugh, agreeing, "Yeah, I lose," even when it hurt to say. Even when it killed him to admit.
As they went home that night, Sanha couldn't shake the emotions he was feeling. One must be wondering, why is he making such a big deal out of it? He wasn't sure, he couldn't explain. But what he can tell you is the emptiness, the numbness, the sadness. His mind was floating as he absentmindedly muttered he was going to shower. No one argued, no one stopped him - though he wouldn't be too sure if someone did because he couldn't even hear anything. He stepped in the stall fully clothed and leaned on the wall, letting the cold water hit him. Maybe if he'd stay long enough, he'd be as numb as he felt inside. Slowly he slipped down and sat on the cold tiled floor, water running down his face, making a trail down his skin and soaking his already wet clothes.
Sanha was tired.
He honestly didn't know what to do anymore. On one hand he knew it wasn't healthy and he should just be honest and tell someone how he was feeling. But he was embarrassed and fearful of the hyungs' reactions, afraid they would call him weak or overreacting at such a small thing. So all he could do is bottle it all up. Just like he did back then. He knew what was happening, knew he should seek out and reach out a hand for someone to free him. He was depressed, very much so.
That feeling of being swallowed whole by some void? The emptiness? The guilt?
Sanha overcame his depression when he was young. They had just recently debuted but for some reason, he always felt tired, felt sad, always crying for no reason. Then he talked to someone about it, and he felt better. But he was young back then, was still overwhelmed with things he did not know about. The industry. The life he got into. But now... Now was a different story. His reasons now and his reasons then, were different. He wasn't even sure if he had the right to feel how he feels over something so petty .
